Being in control and projecting control is deeply ingrained in our lives. In fact, the way we are taught to steer through life is by enabling control. Our sense of inner peace, contentment, and overall happiness often hinges on our perceived level of control — how effectively we can govern the various aspects of our lives. But does control guarantee predictability and more importantly, peace and security? Let’s explore this idea deeper and check out what you can control and what you really can’t.
Control – A Necessity or Obsession
Having a degree of control over one’s life or specific aspects of it is not inherently negative. In fact, a sense of control is critical in keeping us away from the stress and anxiety of the unknown. A perceived sense of control over survival on the following day, or believing that your love relationship will always continue keeps us away from unnecessary emotional turmoil.
In fact, our sense of control and the choices we make are deeply intertwined. All of our daily decisions are driven to attain a seemingly positive outcome, giving us a sense of control over life. According to a study, having the option to choose makes us feel in control, and this feeling of control is crucial for our mental well-being. Just like how we respond to our physical needs, like hunger, by eating, we believe that making choices fulfills a fundamental psychological need.
However, when our choices begin to control other people or the larger world or situations, control works against us. For instance, trying to dictate how others should behave or react in a conversation often leads to frustration, strained relationships, and an overall sense of powerlessness. It’s in these situations that control shifts from being a constructive tool to an unhealthy compulsion.
The Dichotomy of Control
“It is not in our control to have everything turn out exactly as we want, but it is in our control to control how we respond to what happens.” Epictetus
When we are in a constant surge to control everything, we are going against the order of things. Despite all our best intentions and efforts, it is surmountingly impossible to change people or external events. Therefore, it is essential to divide everything into two categories- what we can control and what we cannot, and shift our focus on things we can control.
Now, what it is that you can actually control are your actions and your thoughts. Everything else, like your bodily sensations, the past, what others think about you, and the outcome of your actions, are outside of your direct control. Your focus, thus, should be to control what you can control and let go of what you can’t. But is it that simple?
Ways to Control What You Can Control
Our window of control is extremely limited, and when we acknowledge that completely, we begin to eventually experience freedom. Why delve into the worry of something that cannot be managed? Check out what you can control instead and how to go about attaining that control.
Being Mindful in the Present Moment
While we all know this, we forget it too often: We cannot change what was and cannot alter what can be in the future. The present moment is thus the only moment of control. It is impeccably, irreversibly precious.
However, the present moment can come with a huge set of issues that find roots in the future or past. You may be emotionally overwhelmed right now as you deal with your last breakup or extremely worried about being late to work due to traffic. How can you experience a sense of control when everything feels out of control? Mindfulness may be your solution to it.
Be fully present with simple mindfulness exercises
Mindfulness involves immersing yourself entirely in the present moment and maintaining keen awareness without judgment. If you’re new to mindfulness, it might appear intimidating. However, there are accessible mindfulness exercises that can help anchor your attention in the here and now. You can try activities like mindful eating, taking contemplative walks, concentrating your observations on a specific object, or simply spending some tranquil moments alone. Additionally, dedicating just 15 minutes to mantra meditation or breath meditation can help you center your focus inward.
Practice detachment
Don’t attach yourself to the result of what may happen because of the choices you make today. When you let go of all expectations, you also reduce the stress and fear associated with it. Practicing detachment helps you focus more on the action at hand, thus helping you put your efforts into what you can control.
Embrace all emotions
Mindfulness also entails acknowledging and accepting all of your emotions without passing judgment. It’s not about suppressing challenging emotions but rather recognizing them without judgment, observing them, and eventually releasing them.
Raise Your Vibrations
One of the most effective strategies for handling external challenges involves enhancing your inner resilience by raising your vibrational frequency. Just as maintaining good physical health equips you to overcome physical obstacles, nurturing a positive and high-vibrational state of mind empowers you to tackle life’s challenges more effectively.
Practice gratitude
Embrace the practice of counting your blessings, especially when life becomes demanding and challenging. The simple act of directing your attention towards the positive aspects of your life can serve as a powerful stress-reduction tool and help you perceive a brighter overall perspective.
If you’re going through a difficult period at work, take a moment to reflect on the supportive and loving relationships you have in your personal life. By acknowledging and appreciating the existing sources of happiness, you gain a greater sense of perspective, reminding yourself that adversity in one area of your life doesn’t negate the abundance of positivity in other aspects.
Forgiveness
You’re running late for an important meeting, and someone abruptly cuts you off as you navigate through traffic. Your initial reaction might be one of irritation or even anger. However, embracing forgiveness allows you to swiftly let go of these negative emotions, understanding that the other driver’s actions may have been unintentional or due to their own stress. By choosing to forgive, you regain emotional control, allowing you to focus on the crucial meeting ahead.
Forgiveness is a powerful example of what you can control, enabling emotional freedom and peace.
Embrace Wellness
What’s a better way to bring in control than keeping yourself physically and mentally healthy.
Eat Well
It’s essential to steer clear of stress eating or succumbing to binge eating when faced with seemingly challenging circumstances. Instead, prioritize the maintenance of a healthy and well-balanced diet, ensuring you receive the proper nutritional intake your body requires. This involves incorporating ample servings of raw vegetables and fruits into your daily meals, alongside a mindful approach to the consumption of caffeine and alcohol. While caffeine or alcohol can provide momentary relief or relaxation, excessive consumption may have adverse effects on your mental and emotional state.
Replace negative thoughts with positive one
Replace your negative thoughts with an opposing positive one. You can also try affirmative statements. Change ‘the meeting will turn extremely bad’ to ‘the meeting will turn out to be just fine’. Rephrase your extremely negative phrases to a bit of positive or neutral statements. Beware of making overly positive statements that you won’t be able to believe in.
Sleep well
Do not compromise on your time to relax and unwind your day. Build in an easy routine post sunset and limit your exposure to blue light. Put away your phone and laptop, shut down the television, and slow down your pace. In case stress is preventing you from falling asleep, take a few moments to practice gratitude or try some simple breathing exercises.
Control by letting go of control
Above all, remember that no matter what you’re going through, there will be times when you might feel adrift, disappointed, or emotionally overwhelmed. It’s perfectly acceptable to have a challenging day or a day when your emotions run high. During these moments, be kind to yourself and let go of control. You don’t have to adhere to an all-or-nothing mindset. Even when it feels insurmountable to manage your emotions, remember that tomorrow is a new opportunity for a fresh start.
Most importantly, believe that you are not alone and you are being taken care of. If managing it by yourself seems challenging, consider reaching out to a friend or a therapist for support.
Conclusion
Everything is in your control if you believe in it, and nothing can be controlled if you feel disempowered.
It’s important to understand that the answers you seek are not external but internal. Within the depths of your own consciousness, you possess the wisdom and resilience to confront the challenges that life presents. Your perception of reality is what matters, for all answers lie within you. All you need to do is take a pause, reflect, and take steps to control what you can control.
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