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Have you ever seen a parent who got so overwhelmed when their child fell while playing? Even though it was just a scrape on their knee, you may see them crying or distressed along with their child. That’s what intense empathy would look like.
Consider therapists. They’re routinely exposed to suffering, pain, and trauma, and it wouldn’t help if they experienced all their client’s feelings. Therapists express their understanding, take an objective approach, and help the client deal with their emotions. This is compassion.
These are broad and extreme examples of the two ideas, but practicing one without the other is not always easy. Sometimes, empathy leads to compassion. At other times, even if you want to take an objective approach, you still end up taking on other’s emotions. Therapists and health care professionals experience empathy and compassion fatigue from time to time.
So, it can help if we better understand the difference between empathy and compassion and how we can practice them both right.
Empathy
Empathy means to put yourself in the shoes of the other person. To go through what they’re feeling as if you’re the one experiencing it.
Empathy helps us build meaningful connections & develop higher emotional intelligence. Empathetic people are more compassionate, driven to help others, and are great at communication.
But empathy comes with its biases. According to Paul Bloom author of Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion, we often empathize with people who look and behave like us. We’re more likely to relate to the suffering of a single person than to mass pain. This is what he calls the spotlight effect, where empathy is directed toward where our attention falls.
We also tend to be empathetic toward new and shiny things while bigger, more threatening topics go into the background. We’re so exposed to it every day, we get desensitized to them. Our minds can only care about so many things at a time.
Cognitive empathy versus emotional empathy
Cognitive empathy is to understand someone is having an emotional reaction. If a close friend is going through a tough breakup, you notice their upset or angry emotions. At the same time, emotional empathy is to feel their pain. You are distressed seeing them sad, and their emotions impact you. You share their feelings.
How to be more empathetic?
- Notice the non-verbal cues. By paying attention to someone else’s expressions and tone of voice, you can better figure out their emotional state.
- Be present when talking. Pause and reflect when someone is sharing their experiences, especially if they’re not familiar. Spend some time to see how you would react if you had been in the same situation.
- Be careful of your biases. Everyone has different experiences that lead to different reactions, so if the way they react doesn’t fit your worldview, consider why that may be.
- If they’re expressing their feelings, don’t jump to offer advice, unless they ask. Saying things like, “I see why you might feel so bad. It wasn’t fair for them to do such a thing,” may help. This way, you validate their feelings by recognizing their emotions and the source.
- Try out new things. Volunteer or in a neighborhood community activity. Step out of your comfort zone. Travel to places you wouldn’t usually go to.
- Read books: non-fiction, history books, travel guides, etc. When you read, you’re spending time in someone else’s head. This also helps you better understand a perspective that is not like yours.
Compassion
Compassion is understanding someone else’s pain or struggle and acting on it. When someone is panicking, it doesn’t help anybody if you panic too. What makes a difference is, if you take a step back, observe their emotional state and take action to help. Compassion is an objective, rational way to be there for someone without bearing an emotional toll.
Practicing cognitive empathy and taking practical actions to help someone form the basis of compassion.
Compassion in the Workplace
As a Colleague
Expressing compassion to your colleagues is one way to build meaningful connections at work. You become more resilient, develop better problem-solving abilities, and therefore, can better deal with personal and professional stress. You can also avoid miscommunication when you better understand your teammate and you.
How to practice it?
Despite the professional nature of work, your teammates come with their own unique communication styles, quirks, and flaws. While we just click with some teammates, being non-judgmental with others is important. It’s important to accept all your colleagues as they are. Help them with advice or take on some part of their work, if they’re facing a looming deadline or a personal crisis. Don’t forget to praise their achievements too.
As a Manager
When you lead with compassion, it will be met with positivity from employees, reduce absenteeism, and prevent burnout. This means employees are more satisfied with their work. They stay loyal, and there’s trust in your team, which leads to better job performance.
How can you practice it?
- According to John Hopkins study, you can actually reduce anxiety in just 40 seconds! How? Talk to your employees, and find out about their interests & passions outside of work. Ask them for input on projects and encourage them to speak up during meetings, etc.
- Gratitude is a great way to show employees you value their work. Not just your consistent high performer but everyone on your team. You can give them a shout-out on your company’s social media pages or time off if they’ve been working on a difficult project without a break, etc.
- If an employee is going through a hard time in their personal life, ask them how you can help, what they need to complete their tasks, or if they require any extra support. Not every employee has the same needs, some may need work hours flexibility, and some may need time off or extra help on a project. So, go the distance in helping them out.
Compassion at Home
Sometimes it’s easier to understand strangers than our loved ones due to the weight of expectations we carry. However, it is important to practice having compassionate conversations at home and understand the perspective of your loved ones.
How to practice it?
- Be in tune with the needs of your partner and what they are telling you in everyday situations, and kindly respond to them. Match their energy levels. Here’s where active listening comes into play.
- During conflicts, bring up the problem in a polite manner. Complain about what has happened, but don’t blame.
- Simple gestures work! Buying flowers, asking them about their day, and cooking food are great ways to make your partner feel loved.
Self-compassion
Self-compassion is an act of understanding that you too are human. To put your inner critic to rest and acknowledge that you’re imperfect and prone to making mistakes. It’s realizing that mistakes don’t make you a bad person, but they’re only a part of you.
You experience less anxiety and are more motivated to work on your failures, shortcomings, and mistakes because you take an objective approach. Here’s how you can be kinder to yourself.
- Keep a journal to understand your inner feelings and sort them out.
- Practice mindfulness to stay aware of the present and recognize your emotions without judgment.
- Listen to what your body needs. Do you need a break? Do you want to go for a walk? Do you need to get away from the situation? Sometimes, you already know what will help you. You just need to pay attention.
Loving-kindness meditation or Metta meditation
This Buddhist meditation practice involves cultivating feelings of love, kindness, and compassion. You recite meaningful phrases and direct positive emotions toward yourself and others. From reducing stress & anxiety to boosting feelings of self-compassion and nurturing deep, meaningful relationships with family, friends, etc., it’s worth a try.
How to practice it?
- Sit in a comfortable position
- Close your eyes, relax your muscles, and take deep breaths.
- Choose a kind, positive phrase. May I be happy, may I have peace, may I be healthy, or may I be strong, are some examples. You can also create your own.
- Repeat it and note how you feel.
- Next, think about your friends and family. A group of people or a single person and direct the phrases toward them. May you be happy, may you be strong, or may you be at peace.
- Recognize your emotions.
You can do this for 5-10 minutes a day.
What happens when you take on too much?
Be it compassion or empathy, continuous exposure to the intense suffering of others can lead to emotional and physical exhaustion, which results in burnout. You may get drained of energy to help others or may simply start not to care anymore.
So, ensure you practice self-care, set healthy boundaries, or ask for help from a friend or a therapist to better support someone else.
Conclusion
So, what is more beneficial in the empathy versus compassion discussion? It’s a combination of both. You need empathy to put yourself in other’s shoes and understand their emotions, especially if they are your loved ones. But you also need compassion to go beyond empathy. Show up for the other person and walk the talk.
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