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It all begins early on in the motherhood journey. Am I breastfeeding the child enough times? What is the magic proportion for feeding the baby with formula milk and breast milk? Am I taking optimal care? Am I compassionate and patient enough? Should I go back to work or remain at home? Am I a good mother?
If you find yourself pondering over these questions, you are not alone. What you are experiencing is having mom guilt, the eminent feeling of self-doubt, unrealistic expectations, and a vast expanse of judgments.
Mom guilt isn’t just limited to those early years but continues to stick by as your child grows. You may continue experiencing a lack as your kids watch more television, do not listen to your instructions, or get low grades. The guilt of finding faults in your parenting style or feeling an inadequate response may linger on for years. This, however, has a huge impact on your health and development of your child.
Impact of Guilt on Mothers
Motherhood can be a daunting experience at physical, mental, and emotional levels. Criticizing your actions and self-worth creates a vicious cycle of guilt, which can profoundly affect your mental well-being. Here is what happens when you succumb to this mom guilt
- Lack of self-care: Thanks to the challenges of motherhood, coupled with the guilt of not doing enough, often puts your well-being on the extreme end of your priority list.
- Fear of Judgment: Engaging in constant comparisons with others can lead to an overwhelming fear of judgment. The impression that everyone is scrutinizing your choices can intensify this emotional burden.
- Life and parenting seem out of your control: With your hands always occupied with completing a to-do list for the day, coupled with guilt trips, makes parenting an extremely difficult journey.
- Stress and anxiety: Nonetheless to say, stress, anxiety, and depression are the natural byproducts of mom guilt.
- Impacts Breastfeeding: When you bring in the guilt, stress, and anxiety, your children face the brunt of it. A depressed mother will not just find it challenging to connect with her baby and understand her needs.
Factors Influencing Mom Guilt
While numerous factors may amplify your guilt, we have highlighted some of the prominent ones.
Professional Commitments
Your child simply doesn’t want to leave you, but you have this urgent presentation that must go out today. You engage her in watching your phone to complete your work, only to feel guilty later.
Work-life balance, which seemed relatively a cakewalk in the times before kids, tends to turn upside down when kids come in. Whether you come back from an extended maternity leave or a long career break or have been working for years, there are times when the balancing act can become highly tiresome and stupendous.
Expectations
Motherhood comes with huge expectations and norms of how to raise a child. You will find soaring expectations from your spouse and parents, contradicting your beliefs. While everyone will come in with a sense of wellness, managing it all at times can be stressful.
Tired of Routine
The repetitiveness of daily life, particularly during the initial stages of motherhood, can be incredibly draining and even overwhelming. Managing the needs of the infant or taking care of the toddler can be undeniably challenging and can lead to mom guilt of not doing enough. You may also feel like taking a much-needed break from your routine, leaving kids behind, and being on your own for some time.
Hormones
Your baby blues can result from postpartum depression, which impacts both mother and baby. A mother’s depression may lead to baby’s feeding and sleep issues, create developmental disorders, cause obesity, and impair social skills.
8 Ways to Get Over Mom Guilt for Good
1. Time management
The first and foremost challenge for all mothers is time management and fitting the entire to-do list in 24 hours. Being a mother is a full-time job. Add to that expectations of your partner, work assignments, and managing the house. All of this may add up to mom guilt. Try out some of these tips:
- Do not plan to do everything in your day. Set priorities and realistic expectations for yourself. Choose to do laundry on one day and car repair on another day. While it may seem tempting to put everything, it isn’t a great option.
- Use daily and weekly planners to organize your work. Categorize your tasks in urgent and important, urgent but not important, important but not urgent, and neither urgent nor important. Now place these things on the calendar accordingly. Begin by scheduling the urgent and important work, followed by others throughout the week.
- Review your schedule and remove tasks that seem unnecessary, like letting go of the urge to open social media every now and then or not attending unplanned meetings.
Tip: Even if it seems close to impossible, don’t miss scheduling some time for yourself. Use this time to unwind and do something to de-stress yourself. This can be watching your favorite series online, talking to a friend, or simply reading a book with coffee. Keep a realistic time duration of your me time and stick by it every day.
2. Self-care
Self-care often takes a backseat for mothers amidst their busy lives. It’s important to recognize that prioritizing self-care doesn’t just benefit you, but also has positive effects on your partner and children. By maintaining good mental and physical health, you’re better equipped to care for others. Follow these self-care tips:
- Journal your thoughts or practice gratitude, shifting your focus to all the great things in life.
- Use affirmations like ‘I have incredible maternal intuition.’
- Invest time in your health. If long exercises neither fit in your schedule nor your energy levels, try a short yoga session in the morning or a long walk.
- Don’t forget to include a nutritious, healthy diet for yourself.
Tip: Self-care isn’t just going out for shopping or taking a spa. Choose practices that are more sustainable and do not create a dent in your financials. Self-care is highly personalized, and depends on how you define care and what makes you happy and healthy. Be open when you create your personalized list, and remember that self-care isn’t numbing yourself with unwanted habits, like a high sugar intake or an extra glass of wine.
3. Perception vs. Reality
We all have certain ideas of parenting before we become one, but the reality of managing it all is entirely different. You would have imagined yourself a supermom earlier, but in reality, you may feel irritated with everyone, extremely exhausted, or simply may want to run away from it all. You thought you would never lose your cool over a seemingly minor mishap, but a spilled cup of juice might trigger unexpected frustration after a long day. The serene bedtime routines you imagined might sometimes turn into bedtime battles, as children occasionally resist the soothing rhythms you envisioned.
It’s important to acknowledge that these disparities between expectations and reality are not indicative of failure. Rather, they signify the natural progression of adapting to the dynamic nature of parenthood.
Tip: Embrace conscious parenting to understand your reactions and fears for your children and respond mindfully. Ensure that your own insecurities, trauma, or ego do not drive your interaction and response to children.
4. Seek Support
Do all chores need you to complete them? Managing it all quite often leads to stress, anxiety, and mom guilt. Give away your laundry responsibilities to your partner. Put that dishwasher to use to manage your dirty dishes. Delegate your chores to everyone at home- including your spouse and older children. Seek support from friends and family for running errands when things seem challenging.
Tip: Engage your children while you are busy at work. Let them manage their toys and tidy their bed. While it may seem easier to clean their room, encouraging them to manage their rooms sets them up for success. In the process, let go of the urge to attain perfectionism. If the teddy has to remain in their cot, let it be. Give them the freedom to make choices while appreciating their efforts.
5. Avoid Multitasking
Avoid multitasking and remain focused on completing one task before moving to the next. Why? When you focus on too many things at hand, you aren’t actually doing them all together, you are simply shifting between tasks more swiftly than when you are focused on one. That means you add undue stress and anxiety, impact your relationships, and even reduce efficiency. Research shows that multitasking can actually hamper your working memory and long-term memory!
6. Stay Mindful
Staying mindful and adopting some breathing exercises is a great way to calm down your nerves and let go of the mom guilt. Once you have the daily schedule at hand, don’t worry about completing the upcoming activities. Focus on what you are doing right now and relish the experience. Throughout the day, pause to fully engage in small moments, whether it’s playing with your child, savoring a meal, or enjoying nature.
Try White Light Meditation
- Begin your day with a 10 min meditation, focusing on your breath.
- Take in a deep long breath from your nose while imagining a white light entering the crown of your head down to your feet and passing through you into the ground.
- As you do so, let the white light fill your entire being with positive healing energy and emotions.
- Exhale all the stress, anxiety, and fears.
7. Plan for quality time, not quantity
Rather than fixating on the quantity of time spent with your child, focus on the quality of the moments you share. Let go of any unnecessary guilt that might arise from not constantly being physically present. Focused and intentional moments foster deeper connections and create lasting memories that contribute to your child’s emotional well-being and your own sense of fulfillment.
By shifting your perspective from quantity to quality, you alleviate unnecessary mom guilt and allow yourself the freedom to balance various responsibilities.
8. Social comparison
Unsolicited judgments and comparisons can trigger mom guilt. It’s essential to steer clear of the trap of comparing your own struggles and parenting methods with those of others. Even if your neighbor appears to effortlessly handle both household responsibilities and child-rearing independently, it’s crucial to recognize that your journey need not mirror theirs. Don’t delve into social media scrolling and evaluate yourself in comparison to other ‘perfect’ mothers.
By freeing yourself from the compulsion to gauge your worth against external standards, you create space for self-compassion and authenticity. Believe in your intuition of knowing the best for your child and adopt solutions that fit your environment.
Tip: Connecting with like-minded parents can help you reduce that guilt and exchange insights, tips, challenges, and solutions to parenthood.
Conclusion
Mom guilt is a widespread emotion, something faced by all mothers. The process of finding your way out is highly driven by your belief system. Manage your time, embrace challenges, remain mindful, and don’t be afraid to take in additional help to enjoy your motherhood. Embracing imperfections and enjoying the journey allows you to transform guilt into empowerment.
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