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NO. Abuse isn’t normal. Any reason, intention, situation, emotion, or misunderstanding can justify any form of abuse. All sorts of abuse are equally harmful and traumatic, be it physical, emotional, or mental. There are some subtle ways of abuse as well, like taunting, mocking, humiliating, or making fun of someone when they are uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, when you start noticing, many people still face abuse by their partners. But why? When I ask this question to those who are in an abusive relationship, I get varied reasons for tolerating it, including emotional blackmail, co-dependency, and low self-esteem are the common reasons. Even more concerning is the fact that, in the majority of cases, partners are involved in a passionate love relationship and still engaging in abuse.
One morning, I noticed my neighbor had bruises on her arms and face. Curious, I asked her what had happened, and she nonchalantly mentioned it was just a typical disagreement with her spouse. Despite being married for over 15 years, she endured the abuse because of her dependency on him. Sadly, she believed occasional abuse was acceptable and normal.
In another instance, my aunt endured frequent abuse from her partner due to her low self-esteem, thinking he was more attractive than she was. Lacking the confidence to stand up against the mistreatment, she silently surrendered to the hurtful actions. Over time, the situation worsened, resulting in permanent bruises on her hands. Remarkably, her husband blamed her for every crisis and vented his frustration on her.
Similarly, a college friend of mine emotionally abused her boyfriend. Despite being beautiful and popular, she harbored a deep-seated inferiority complex, leading her boyfriend to tolerate emotional and financial abuse under the guise of love.
I also witnessed a case where the abuser consistently apologized after each instance of abuse, perpetuating the cycle. Unfortunately, the victim’s forgiving nature unknowingly nurtured a monster that became increasingly difficult to control.
Interestingly, in all these cases, the abusers had a well-reputed and respectable image in society, known for their good behavior. This shows that the person inflicting abuse isn’t always outwardly aggressive or inherently sick. They may maintain a gentlemanly or friendly demeanor around friends and family but reveal a different side behind closed doors, unleashing their frustration on someone close to them.
There can be various reasons why people tolerate abuse, such as dependency on their partners, low self-esteem, an illusion of being in love, or hope for their partner’s transformation. Recognizing these reasons is crucial in breaking free from the cycle of abuse and fostering healthier relationships.
It is also essential to emphasize that the responsibility for abuse isn’t solely on the abuser; the person tolerating the abuse also shares a degree of responsibility. The abuser must recognize that their actions are unacceptable and harmful. In any relationship, mutual respect is a fundamental cornerstone that should never be compromised. Nobody is perfect, and we all have flaws, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Here are a few things you can do to prevent any kind of abuse:
- Address the Issue Early: Taking prompt action is crucial to preserving your relationship. When you encounter the first instance of abuse, do not ignore it. Take a stand for yourself and firmly address the problem. By confronting it head-on, you prevent the establishment of a platform for abuse. Engage in open communication with your partner, making them understand how their actions affect you and that it needs to stop.
- Set Boundaries: Despite your deep love for your partner, it is essential to establish boundaries. Many people fall victim to abuse because they fail to set clear boundaries with their partners. To receive love and affection, they dissolve all boundaries, leading to regrets later on. Once boundaries are lost, the cycle seems endless, and the other person continues to take advantage of the situation.
- Boost Your Self-Esteem: Abuse often targets the victim’s self-esteem, causing it to diminish over time. Seek support from friends or professionals and work on building your self-confidence. Pursue your passions, express yourself assertively, and engage in activities that bring you happiness.
- Re-evaluate Love and Sacrifice: Never assume that tolerating abuse is a form of sacrifice in a relationship. In reality, it nurtures a harmful situation. I once encountered a partner who believed that enduring abuse was a way to heal the abusive partner through sacrifice. However, true healing can only come from a professional counselor. Avoid trying to take on the role of a counselor for your partner.
- Conquer Your Fear: Fear gains power when we feed it. Refuse to be controlled by fear. Remember, the person who can save you is yourself. Do not succumb to fear in any situation, and recognize that tolerating abuse is far worse than confronting and dealing with it.
