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Why am I so insecure in my relationship? Do you often delve into this question? Feeling anxious, jealous, fear of being ghosted or loneliness may impact many of us. Unfortunately, some of us face this more often. Facing insecurities in a relationship can be a very emotionally draining experience. Whether you have just started a relationship or been in one for a long time, here is all you need to know on how to deal with insecurities in a relationship002E`
Signs of insecurities in a relationship
While a certain degree of insecurity is normal in a relationship, if insecurities in a relationship persist over time, they have the potential to create a divide between partners. Here are some signs that can you with those warning signs:
- Lack of trust: Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Constantly questioning your partner’s intent, love, and actions can damage the relationship.
- Constantly checking on your partner: Do you send an hourly message- “How is your day going?” or “Who is the person with you”? If you have the urge to constantly text or call your partners to check on their whereabouts, that would be a sign of feeling insecure in a relationship.
- Jealous of almost everyone: Are you jealous of your partner’s friend, who you think is too friendly? Being jealous of anyone who is closer to your partner may create unnecessary ruffles in the relationship. Jealousy may be one of the reasons why you are facing insecurities in a relationship.
- Constant and growing anxiety/ fear of break-up: Every couple has anxiety about breaking up or something going wrong in their relationship. However, if you constantly worry about going apart without any signs of it in the first place, chances are that your thoughts will soon have a negative effect on your partner.
- Overthinking: You may often be overthinking the situation, thus triggering a seemingly unending cycle of negative thoughts. Overthinking can create an illusion of reality, often giving rise to insecurities in a relationship.
Underlying causes of why you are feeling insecure in a relationship
There are various causes of facing insecurities in a relationship, most of which are linked to repeated emotional patterns and past experiences.
- Low Self-Esteem: Low self-esteem leads to negative self-talk, emotions, and evaluation of romantic relationships. Research findings suggest that individuals with low self-esteem might doubt the level of trust, love, and care they receive from their romantic partners. This makes them hungry for constant attention and reassurance of their partner’s love for them.
- Past relationships: As much as we want otherwise, our past relationships deeply impact the current one. If we had a series of insecure relationships in the past, you would find it extremely challenging to have a positive and secure outlook to this relationship.
- Anxious attachment: Feeling insecure in a relationship means you have anxious attachment patterns. Attachment styles stem from your childhood experiences. People with an anxious attachment style haven’t got consistent attention or love from their parents, often leaving them nervous about what lies ahead. Research indicates that close to 20% of adults have anxious attachment style, leaving them needy for love and attention. If you belong to this attachment style, you would constantly fear your loved ones abandoning you.
- Chasing the wrong person: Of all the reasons, there is one you should be more careful about. What if you are with the wrong person who triggers insecurities in you? If you are with someone who doesn’t respect you, makes fun of your concerns and insecurities, or is emotionally abusive, it is time you call it off.
How to overcome insecurities in a relationship
Having looked at the signs and causes, here are 12 top ways to stop feeling insecure in a relationship
1. Identify your Triggers
To understand the triggers of your insecurity, answer your question- Why am I so insecure in my relationship? The more closely you monitor your reactions and the reasons behind your reactions, the more accurate you can be in seeking relationship security. If possible, journal everything! When you are sad, what thoughts do you have? What are the trigger factors behind your anger? With this, you will recognize a recurring pattern of internal or external events that influence your negative emotions, amplifying your insecurity. Take proactive action and develop a concrete plan to shield yourself from unnecessary emotional distress.
2. Be Transparent
Prioritize having transparent conversations with your partner. It is vital to share all the emotional turmoil you go through, educate your partner on what triggers your emotional reaction, and most importantly, understand why they react in particular ways. During times of stress, we prefer retreating rather than communicating with our partners. That further amplifies the insecurities in a relationship. Be courageous and share your concerns and deep vulnerabilities with your partner. Showcasing trust in your partner will empower you emotionally and help your partner understand what you have been going through.
3. Express Love, Beginning with Yourself
To receive love and give love, first learn to feel love for yourself. When you don’t love yourself, you will find it hard to believe that anyone else will, putting you face to face with all the insecurities in a relationship. If you have insecurities, you would start questioning your values, undervaluing your worth, or worse, begin having a negative perspective of self and the world around you. Compliment yourself when you complete a task you are great at. If you find yourself in the middle of a harsh self-talk, remember questioning- Will I talk to my friend in those words, or will I be more compassionate? When you show more love to yourself, you train yourself to feel that you deserve love, improve your self-esteem and be more confident.
4. Never Overthink
A negative thought, like a positive thought, further spiral up to more negative thoughts, triggering stress and insecurities, and involuntary actions. Incessant negative thoughts often make the problem seem more significant than it actually is, bereaving us of the present moment. Managing a negative emotion can be extremely challenging, particularly when you are in the middle of a negative spiral. It is thus critical to be conscious of your first negative thought and transform it quickly by bringing in compassion, gratitude, and love instead. Keep a gratitude journal and start writing 10 things you are grateful for in your life. Thank the universe and yourself for the healthy, nourishing breakfast you made this morning, or pick up the phone to thank the friend who is always by your side. Overthink all the positives instead of the negatives!
5. The Third Person Perspective
What if you can take a break from all the emotional turmoil as and when you want to? Practicing detachment can do just that for you. Take a step back and look at your relationship through the lens of a third person, as if you are watching a movie. When you detach from the powerful emotions you are experiencing and choose to have a larger perspective, you can respond rather than react. Tune into the new language for internal communication, and you will be surprised by the insights.
6. Try Positive Affirmations
Positive affirmations can help you get over the insecurities in a relationship. Practicing affirmations can be extremely powerful. Try these to remove your insecurities in a relationship-
- I am worthy of love and respect.
- I deserve a secure relationship.
- I am confident and practice emotional intelligence.
- I communicate my feelings effectively.
7. Find a larger purpose
To move away from overthinking, stress, insecurities, and jealousy, you would often find yourself looking for distractions. And some of these distractions would mean watching a series on Netflix or unconsciously scrolling through social media platforms. However, these distractions don’t offer a great solution. Engaging in binge-watching makes your brain produce dopamine- a chemical that promotes pleasure and excitement. Research shows that while that may excite your brain, it brings along the negative effect of more stress, anxiety, and depression.
In order to break the repeated pattern of feeling insecure, prefer taking a long walk in nature, consider helping someone in need, or pursue your hobby. Find something that establishes your confidence and builds self-esteem, gives you a larger purpose in life, and transforms someone’s life. Engaging in an activity that excites you will be a healing experience and offer a well-deserved break from feeling insecure in a relationship.
8. Give space
To foster a healthy, loving relationship, you need to be willing to give your partner space. We know if you’re feeling insecure or jealous, space is not what you to try. But giving your partner space can help prevent them from feeling smothered or attacked. It also gives you an excellent opportunity to pursue your interests and work on maintaining your social life.
9. Resist the urge to delve on yesterday
Make a fresh start every day and avoid looking at the mistakes of the past. No matter how bad yesterday was, put your energies into creating a loving, present moment. Compliment your partner, plan surprises, and leave love notes. Rekindle that spark and bring back the passion that you had in the first few months of dating.
10. Counseling
If nothing seems to be working, seek support from a relationship expert or counselor to understand the complexity of the situation.
