Image of Relationship by Freepik
It was a perfect date with your crush, a movie and dinner, or something more tailored to your tastes and personality. Hiking or museum dates, maybe? And pretty soon, you are going steady. But things are not as peachy as they were before. Either you could have been better at reading people, or your partner seems like an entirely different person than when you were dating.
Sometimes it might just be time. Every relationship takes a while to settle and develop. You might find out the starry-eyed romanticized persona of your partner in your head was different from the one currently in front of you. Or at other times, as you unravel their inner layers, they might not be the person you had fallen for.
The personal quirks, flaws, and traits may drive you crazy, or you might learn to adjust and love them. Open and honest communication and active listening are the key to getting to the root of all relationships. Let’s dive into these communication strategies that can push your relationship past the speed bumps into a smoother pathway.
The Don’ts of Communication in a Relationship
Are you going around in circles, having the same arguments with your partner, and there never seems to be an end?
Arguments and conflicts are part and parcel of a relationship, as inevitable as the sun rising. But how you deal with them matters so much.
To find out how to communicate in a relationship, we need to understand what sours an interaction.
More often than you realize, it is when you jump directly into the problem, guns blazing with criticism, sarcasm, or contempt. Blaming another person or their inherent personality rather than dealing with the actual problem at hand also adds to your issues. “It’s not me” has become a mantra when a problem is brought up, where both partners take things personally or get dismissive, refusing to listen to the other.
How about silent treatment? No words are exchanged, and if a problem is brought up, either partner would rather leave the room.
Never arguing isn’t a good sign either. You are just not bringing up the conflict because you cannot deal with it directly, or because venting to a friend or a parent seems easy. However, this doesn’t solve the issue.
Communication Styles
We agree it’s not simple to just open your heart up and spill your deepest thoughts even to your partner. And when you do that, you can end up following one of the following communication styles.
- Passive: You aren’t great at saying no and would rather bail from an argument than talk about what you need. You are easygoing and don’t take a strong side during an argument.
- Aggressive: You dominate conversations and interrupt your partners consistently, making them uncomfortable, and at times, disregarding their emotions.
- Passive-aggressive: Do you use sarcasm, humor, or just out rightly deny your actual emotions? You appear passive on the surface but have aggressive tendencies. There is a disconnect between what you say and your actions.
- Assertive (this is the way to go!): This is when you communicate your needs in a calm and respectful manner while being able to accept disagreement. You understand yourself and place your boundaries without things getting uncomfortable.
What is your communication style? Do you use non-verbal communication, including touch, facial expressions, or gestures? By understanding these styles, you can better modify, acknowledge, or simply discuss them with your partner for better harmony.
So how can you communicate?
Fondness and admiration
Fondness and admiration come from basic respect and kindness to each other. It means you value other person’s opinions and boundaries, and openly discuss their positive aspects. If you have promised to help with the chores, it makes sense to honor it. And if you forget, it isn’t the end of the world, but it doesn’t mean you pretend it did not happen. Or worse, blame it on them. Taking responsibility when things go down instead of asking them to adjust helps build trust and respect.
Speak the obvious
So often, we fall into the trap of assuming our partner will simply know or understand our needs. We might guess their intent from body language and nonverbal cues, or even imagine their big dreams and goals. And what follows that? Resentment, mixed messages, and a lot of unnecessary hurt. So, the most obvious thing to do is tell them the most obvious things, the stuff you think they already know.
Self-image
Making mountains out of molehills is easy when you are already down in the dumps. When you have poor self-esteem, you tend to overthink what a partner says. Small critics may feel like a personal attack. Building a positive and strong image of yourself can help you be authentic in your relationship. You become a better partner and get things done by taking pride in yourself.
Try Love maps
What is your partner’s favorite ice cream flavor? How do they like their coffee? Do they even like coffee? These are many of the little things you know about your partner. This is a love map, the part of your brain which collects all this information. We already do this with people we love over the course of a relationship. But sometimes it helps to sit down and do it intentionally, to figure out the details about your partner’s rich inner world.
The information can range from understanding your partner’s family history and how that affects them, their values, biases, insecurities, fears, and their deepest hopes and dreams.
Bids for attention
Bids are simple calls for attention, affection, or acceptance. It is a way to build connections. Sharing your interests (sending a meme, reels, an article, etc.), what happened in your day, merely pointing out your neighbor’s adorable puppy, etc., are all bids for attention. People usually respond to them, ignore them, or get defensive or angry. Responding to them and trying to match their energy levels is an excellent way to answer. And when the rough times make their inevitable appearance, this trust and goodwill that has been built can help tide you over them.
Let’s Hash it Out
Russel Grieger, a clinical psychologist, suggests that couples set apart a specific time once a month to figure out what problems they are currently facing.
He lays out a 4 step conflict resolution technique:
- Eliminate relationship disturbances: Avoid lingering hurt, anger, or other simmering emotions. When lingering feelings take the reign, you will likely end up debating over who was right or wrong rather than directing the conversation toward a solution.
- Win-win solution: Figure out a solution that is beneficial to both parties, even if it takes a long time, and even if you don’t get exactly what they want.
- Purposeful listening: It is time to sit down and listen. Turn off the television in the background, stop working in the kitchen, and listen with intent. It can help you understand matters that may have been missed or assumed. Go with an aim to understand rather than form judgments, and you will find yourself learning so much more about your partner.
- Brainstorming: Sitting down and bouncing ideas off each other can help you see the light at the end of the conflict tunnel.
Make it a weekly or monthly agenda to simply discuss ongoing problems and nip the issues in the bud before they fester and become fatal.
